Some startling new developments into what disasters await Canada if it ratifies the Kyoto Protocol, as Prime Minister Jean Chretien has promised.
by Linwood Barclay
Alberta Premier Ralph Klein released a new, hard-hitting report this week that suggests the number of jobs lost through implementing the Kyoto accord may be higher than originally thought. Said Klein, “At first we thought it was somewhere in the neighbourhood of 100,000 jobs, then 250,000 jobs, then a million, but now our studies indicate that the number is somewhere in the area of a jillion and a half.”
Klein said his government had to come up with a new numerical term because there were no existing numbers that seemed sufficiently alarming. Researchers settled on “jillion” because “gazillion” is already being used by the Bush administration to describe the number of weapons of mass destruction that have been acquired by Saddam Hussein.
Klein said losing just a jillion jobs would put every single Canadian out of work. “But I think we’re looking at 1.5 jillion jobs, easy,” Klein said. This means some Canadians who have been deceased for up to several decades will lose their jobs retroactively.
A new study by the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers has determined that if the Liberals move full steam ahead with the Kyoto accord, it will send the nation’s birthrate into a downward spiral. “We will be hastening our own extinction,” the association said in a news release. “Higher fuel prices, in conjunction with a move away from SUVs toward smaller cars, means it will cost couples in love more money to drive to secluded parking spots, and then, if they can even afford to get there, making out in small, fuel-efficient cars is an absolute nightmare.”
Stephen Harper, the leader of the Canadian Alliance who was recently honoured by having his picture emblazoned on the side of milk cartons, says if the Liberals ratify Kyoto, it will harden society’s impression of environmental scientists as “nerdy and annoying.” “We have studies,” Harper said, “that show that 98 per cent of the public thinks scientists who say pollution is causing global warming are a bunch of smarty pants. Of those 98 per cent, nearly 60 per cent said that if they met these scientists, they would give them huge wedgies.”
The Fraser Institute, the right-wing think tank that has in the past found conclusive evidence that smoking is not addictive, now has some unsettling information about the side effects of ratifying the Kyoto accord. These side effects include premature balding, bloating, light-headedness, a strange soreness in the ear lobes that coincides with the full moon, a tendency to turn on the radio to listen for the weather and then when it comes on not paying attention, bed wetting, dry mouth, an inexplicable fear of chipmunks (but not squirrels), low self-esteem, sore gums, an inclination to say “Yeah, right” whenever paid a compliment, and a desire to wear Plaid with stripes at job interviews.
When asked for details of how the study was conducted, new Fraser Institute member Mike Harris, the former premier of Ontario, said “I’ve been here a couple of weeks and still haven’t met Kelsey Grammer. What’s up with that?”
Alberta’s environment ministry, in conjunction with the province’s health ministry, says it has found a link between eliminating greenhouse gases and erectile dysfunction. No one even asked for proof. It seemed to be all anyone needed to know.
Finally, as if all the other reports weren’t alarming enough, Premier Klein said at a recent news conference that if the Kyoto Protocol goes ahead, the sky will fall. To make his point, he slammed his hands on a table top, startling everyone in the room. “Whomp!” he said. “Just like that. We’ll All be crushed.”
* Reprinted courtesy of the Toronto Star Syndicate, Oct. 2002
[From WS December 2002/January 2003]
